Holes Inside
by alltheprettyangels
Summary: Ever since Arthur died, Alfred hasn't been himself. He's had a lot of holes inside, and Matthew wants to help. AU obviously


Alfred sat on the park bench in silence. He thought to himself about what he'd done. He killed a man. Well, not on purpose. It bothered Alfred so badly. This was his favorite place, well, it was Arthurs.

Arthur Kirkland had died August 1st, 2011, from a train accident. While it was underground a spark was lit by cigarette and caught on fire, and get off course, running into another train. There were no survivors. Alfred blamed himself for Arthur dying because Arthur was going to go to his house, and was going to catch the 4:00 train. However, Alfred wanted him to get there earlier, so he went on the 3:30 train.

'If only I didn't make him go on that train. He would still be here.' Alfred was probably thinking to himself 'I've tried to make myself forget about all this. But I just can't'

It was tearing himself from the inside out. He couldn't even look at himself. He was just a complete mess. It's so unlike him, he would never do the things he's tried to do.  
He's been caught cutting himself a few times. He's tried drinking to get it out of his head, but that never really helped him out at all. It's been over a year, and he hasn't gotten himself together

I wish I could still talk to Alfred. And I mean the real one. Not this…..this….this new Alfred. That's what everyone else calls him. New Alfred. He doesn't act like himself at all. I've been talking to New Alfred a lot though. It hurts to talk to him but these days he truly needs someone in his life. No one else talks to him, he usually either bursts out crying or goes all crazy. I used to be in love with the old Alfred. But I'm still not so sure about New Alfred. It's like loving someone else.

Yeah. The whole Arthur dying and his alcoholic ways have really actually changed him. He always walks around with long sleeves to hide the scars he gives himself. I've usually kept quiet about it; I'm too shy to stand up to him. I pretend I don't know about them. It's hard to tell someone to cut the crap when they think it's their fault someone died. But I'm going to confront him today. Maybe I can talk sense into him.

I took a deep breath and walked up to where he was sitting. "Hey Al."

"Oh hey Matt. Why are you here? I was just about to leave…" He quickly stood up.

"I…uh…" I tried to say

Alfred started to walk in a random direction.

"Wait!" I yelled, then more quietly I said "I can see it in your face, the hope has gone away. It seems like you're wired, to stay here held in time. Nothing really seems to change. If you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.  
Cause sometimes, your fate and your dreams will collide.  
So don't walk away from me. "

Alfred stopped and looked at me in amazement; he slowly walked back to me and stood there. He looked me in the eyes. His eyes that used to be happy and blue were now a sad blue full of hurt. "What."

"Don't give me that Alfred." I softly yelled. I stopped myself at that because I was surprised I'm actually doing it.

I gathered my courage, "Your feet are stuck, no they cannot move,  
don't tell me that they're glued,  
they should've far from.  
At home, at ease but give sometime to breathe"

"Matt, you're seriously confusing me. What are you talking about…And you seem like your rhyming…" Alfred looked confused.

"It's from a British song. I wanted to tell you the lyrics because it seems like something you would need."

"I don't need anything. I'm…perfectly fine. And I definitely don't need some stupid song. Just leave me alone, I want to enjoy my perfect day. Just….fine"

Well…I guess the whole reciting lyrics to a song didn't really help. Even though it's perfect for his whole situation.

"You're not 'fine' Alfred. Stop lying to yourself. Look at yourself! You're a mess! Ever since Arthur died it's been like this! You just need help!"

"But I killed him. I murdered him. I don't deserve help. What do you know? You have a perfect life. It's like you don't even care I killed him. You probably don't even care he's dead. Hell, you probably love seeing me like this. It gives you more attention. "

That did it. I didn't want to do something like this so early, but I walked inches away from him. I looked him straight in the eyes, and put my hands on his cheeks. Then I pulled my left hand back and gave him the hardest slap I could possibly do.

"I can't do this! If you're going to be like this, I'm not going to try anymore." I pulled his sweatshirt off of him as quickly as I could. "I mean, this isn't you Alfred. You did not kill Arthur! You may have made him go on the train, but it's not your fault! Before you answer to that, just listen to me. I know it's easy to say the pain will fade away, but it won't. And I know that. Right now you have a lot of holes inside. Everything you've tried has left many holes inside. And there are still people in your life that can help fill them. You don't need to punish yourself. You still have people who love you. I, I mean…they… loved you before you became a mess like this. And those people can help you clean yourself up a little. Just at least try to admit to me you'll try. " I sighed.

His eyes were wide, as if they weren't already by now "What….what exactly are you trying to tell me? Are you…in love with me Matthew?"

I looked at the ground… "Well…sort of"

Alfred licked his lips in nervousness, "I don't know. About the whole getting help thing. Every time I try to talk to someone they just leave me. Everyone avoids me. I'll always be like this…I don't want to…but it's kind of grown on me now."

"They're not avoiding you. They're scared of what you've become. You're not yourself. I want the Alfred I fell in love with. The one who always smiled, and would never shut up. I liked that about you. You always messed up peoples plans and made them your own, and I also liked that about you. But now you're always so sad, and you just seemed to drift out of view of everyone. I just want you to know it CAN get better. You just need to hold tight and let those shadows will get lost in the light. You should listen to that song, Alfred. It's hard to change again, but with a little work, I can help you. And if you allow me…I could also love you. I could be the filler of the holes. "

I saw a tear in Alfred's eye, "No one's ever said that to me before."

I pulled him into a tight embrace and put my head on his chest, "I love you." I muffled into his shoulder blade.

His arms were wrapped tightly around me, and I felt his tears in my hair.

He pulled back and wiped his eyes, "Hero's need to cry every once in a while right?" He smiled softly.

He was already starting to show the old self. I laughed and pulled him into a light kiss

With a little help, he can get back on his feet and annoy the crap out of everyone, but I just love that about him.


End file.
